Feelings are very subjective indeed, as are personalities. We can betray our emotions or opinions on anything simply by the words we choose.
Think about the following sentences:
A. We should go home before it gets too dark.
B. We should go home while it's still light.
Both sentences mean more or less the same thing, but what conclusions in the differences of the speakers could one possibly make? In the end, the sentiment is the same, but one might say that speaker A is more concerned by the impending darkness, while speaker B is more practical in wanting to make use of the daylight. An alert listener would conclude that one of these people was an optimist and the other a pessimist. This is why the sound of our voices plays such a crucial role in determining what people think about us.
These ones are clearer to identify:
1A. Your group of easy-going children is quite rare.
1B. Your gang of nonchalant kids is pretty abnormal.
2A. Your daughter is very inquisitive for her age.
2B. Your daughter is such a nosy little girl.
3A. We ask you to pay for the items before ordering them so that the flow remains constant.
3B. So as not to create an obstruction in the system, we would like to ask you not to order items without paying for them first.
So in each case, what are the differences between A and B? That's an easy one - the sentences in B give off a more negative tone than A.
1A is generous praise, but 1B gives off the impression that you don't want to hang around with those kids.
2A implies that the speaker is impressed by the girl, but 2B says the speaker feels the girl has crossed a boundary.
3A Puts a positive spin on a process to motivate customers to act accordingly. 3B, however, seems to imply that the writer doesn't trust the customers and is giving them orders.
Sometimes there are also three stages:
4A. If you keep on being persistent, you'll get results.
4B. If you carry on being stubborn, something is bound to happen.
4C. If you don't stop being so obstinate, it'll catch up with you.
4A could be one of those memes for LinkedIn; 4B is fairly neutral, possibly advice from someone about handling a situation; 4C is criticism followed by a warning. However, in each of them the main sentiment is fairly similar: by remaining focused on your aims, there will be consequences.
When it comes to instructions, we want to give off the right impression, so it is important to make sure of the tone:
5A. The wearing of badges in the building is obligatory at all times. To avoid any complications, it is strongly recommended to display them while on the premises.
5B. Staff are required to wear their badges at all times in the building, according to company policy. Without them, disciplinary action may follow.
5C. Staff must wear their badges at all times in the building. Failure to do so is a contravention of company policy and will likely result in disciplinary action.
These are three differently-weighted corporate notices. All give the same information, but the reader will react differently in each of them.
5A is fairly innocuous, uses neutral language, but might ultimately not deliver the right message to the reader; it is almost too friendly in its rendering. The lack of direct language could possibly lead to a general flouting of the rules and disciplinary action would then seem far too draconian.
5B is slightly more weighty, and mentions the fact that it is company policy. Unlike the previous one, it addresses "staff" directly, and finishes with a veiled threat for non-compliance. The use of "may" suggests this is a possible outcome but not the only one.
5C is very direct and makes two mistakes. Firstly, the use of the word "must" may cause a degree of indignation, and secondly, the use of "will", despite coming before "likely" could lead the reader to interpret it as an inevitable consequence.
None of them are perfect, as it is difficult to reach the right balance. It all depends how you want your message to be interpreted. What we can say is that the more unfriendly the tone, the more likely a red flag will be raised in the reader's mind.
This goes not just for aggression, but other attitudes too. How do the various replies to this question compare?
6A. "Where would you like to go on holiday?" - "I don't really mind."
6B. "Where would you like to go on holiday?" - "I really don't mind."
6C. "Where would you like to go on holiday?" - "I don't really care."
6D. "Where would you like to go on holiday?" - "I really don't care."
6A's reply suggests the person replying is open. 6C's reply tells us the person has little to no interest. Without further context, 6B reveals maybe that the person replying is desperate to get away, anywhere at all, whereas 6D's reply could be a stronger version of 6B.
Let us take some synonyms and see what impression they may give off:
to admit - to acknowledge - to concede - to confess
to reject - to turn down - to refuse - to decline
to calm down - to mellow - to mature
a teacher - a trainer - a coach - a lecturer - a tutor - a pedagogue
a man - a bloke - a guy - a gentleman - a chap - an adult male
a feeling - a sentiment - an emotion - a sixth sense
clever - intelligent - astute - shrewd - wise - learned - knowledgeable
extrovert - sociable - attention-seeking - gregarious - fun-loving
generous - kind-hearted - charitable - profligate - extravagant
When we look at these words, we get a different take on each of them. Although they are classed as synonyms, if they meant exactly the same thing, most of the words would die over time leaving one preferred choice. But this is the thing: they don't. I prefer to call them by the established term "near-synonyms", because they mean something slightly different, depending on what image you wish to portray.
To sum up, we cannot escape the inference that the words we use when writing or speaking give away either our outlook on life, or what mood we were in when we wrote or said it. In any case, the reader or listener will have most definitely formed an opinion on you long before you get a reply!
Raymond Goslitski
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